Workbook Chapter Five

Show Up and Tell Your Truth

 

Self-Assessment Tools: 

 

Self-Quiz: Are You a People Pleaser?

Barry K. Weinhold, PhD

 

Directions:  In the apace before each item indicate the degree that statement is true for you. Key: 1= Hardly Ever; 2= Sometimes; 3= Usually and 4= Almost always.

 

__1. I have a hard time saying “no” even when I want to. 

__2. I worry about what others might perceive me in ways that are negative.

__3. I cannot seem to be able to dedicate time just for myself.  

__4. I feel guilty if I put my needs before the needs of others.

__5. I apologize for things I don’t need to do.

__6. I feel responsible for the feelings of others.

__7. I seem to crave validation from others.

__8. I have trouble sharing my feelings with others.

__9. I feel like I have to keep up an image of myself to get others to accept me. 

__10. I agree with what others say I, even when I don’t agree in order to get others to like me. 

__11. I fear that people will label me as selfish.

__12. I feel burdened by the things I agreed to do for others.

__13. I get very uncomfortable if someone gets angry at me.

__14. I will do almost anything to avoid a conflict with others.

__15. I have trouble admitting I feel hurt by something someone said or did to me. 

__16. I get upset when I think someone does not like me. 

__17. I let people take advantage of me. 

__18. In my relationships, I am the first one to try to “fix” things. 

__19. I think my feelings, thoughts and ideas are not as good as others.

__20. I do not ask for what I want or need from others.

__21. I have tried to stay out of trouble and be a good person in the eyes of others.

__22. I feel anxious in social situations. 

__23. I expect perfection out of myself and have very high standards.

__24. I do not do a good job with my own self-care.

__25. You wish others would be more sensitive to your wants and needs

__26. I am quick to agree with others, even when I don’t agree.

__27. I don’t really know when I am being authentic or not.

__28. I suffer from stress and burnout. 

__29. I give more to others than I get from them. 

__30. I am afraid that people do not want to be with me. 

 

____Total Score

 

Interpretation of Your Scores:

30 – 60 Very little people pleasing is present.

61 - 90 Moderate evidence of people pleasing tendencies

91 + Strong evidence of people pleasing behaviors.

 

Case Example: 

 

Sally age 36, has a severe case of not showing up. She has agoraphobia and suffers from a severe panic attacks every time she leaves the house. She is living with a woman who is very understanding and supportive. She told me that she has had symptoms of agoraphobia for as long as she can remember, but somehow the pandemic caused her symptoms to get worse. (I would have thought just the opposite).

 

She told me about the extreme abuse she experienced as a child, especially from her father.  He beat her regularly and threatened to “wop” her any time he didn’t like what she was doing. When her mother wasn’t there, it would get worse. She told me, “Mom was always working.” Sally was raped by a some of her father’s friends who came to the house, again when her mother wasn’t there. 

 

She never said or did anything to prevent the rapes and abuse and never told anyone about them. She said she was afraid, if she objected, it would get worse and they could kill her.

 

Her sister was also raped by one of her father’s friends and her mother found out about it. Her remark was, “Oh, boys will be boys.” Her parents divorced when Sally was an early teen. She looked forward to having a more normal relationship with her step-father, but he was depressed most of the time and avoided contact with her. 

 

I gave her several self-assessment tools to fill out. The one where she marked the betrayals she had experienced was highly significant. Out of a total of 40 possible betrayals, she listed 30.  Using my 4-step method, we discussed each of the 30 betrayals she experienced. One of them involved her parents. She said, “The way they showed me that I mattered was to abuse me.”

 

Gradually, she is feeling safer to go outside. She is taking walks in the neighborhood with her dog. She reports small victories at the beginning of every session we have. I think she is on the road to recovery and the better she understands that she is not a sick person, but instead she now sees herself as someone who had trauma in her background that she can overcome.