Chapter 33: Maintain Good Emotional Self-Care
Workbook Chapter Thirty-Three
Maintain Good Emotional Self-Care
Dr. Kristin Neff
Directions: Place the number in the blank before each item that best represents how you see yourself relative to that item. Key: 1= Almost Never; 2= Occasionally; 3= About Half the Time; 4= Fairly Often; 5= Almost Always.
I'm disapproving and judgmental of myself when I see my own flaws and inadequacies.
When I'm feeling down, I tend to obsess and fixate on everything that's wrong with me.
When things are going badly for me, I get really down on myself.
When I think about my inadequacies, it tends to make me feel more separate and cut off
from the rest of the world.
I have a hard time feeling loving towards myself when I'm feeling emotional pain.
When I fail at something important to me, I become consumed by feelings of inadequacy.
When I feel down and out, I have a hard time reminding myself that there are lots of
other people in the world feeling like I am.
I am much harder on myself than I am of others.
When something upsets me, I find it difficult to keep my emotions in balance.
When I feel inadequate in some way, I tend to compare myself unfavorably to others I know.
I'm intolerant and impatient towards those aspects of my personality that I don't like.
When I'm going through a very hard time, I can’t give myself the caring and tenderness
When I'm feeling down, I tend to feel like most other people are probably happier than
When something bad happens to me, I feel like a victim.
I see my failings as part as an indication that there is something wrong with me.
When I make a mistake, I have a hard time forgiving myself.
When I fail at something important to me, it is difficult for me to keep things in perspective.
When I'm really struggling, I tend to feel like other people must be having an easier
time of it.
I judge myself harshly, when I experience suffering.
When something upsets me, I exaggerate my feeling response to it.
I can be a bit cold-hearted towards myself when I'm suffering about something.
When I'm feeling down, I cannot look at my feelings with curiosity and openness.
I have a hard time accepting my flaws and inadequacies.
When I fail at something that's important to me, I tend to feel alone in my failure.
I find it difficult to be patient with myself.
Interpretation of Results:
25-50 - Good level of self-compassion
51-75 – Some indications of poor self-compassion
75-100 – Clear indication of poor self-compassion.
Look more closely at those items that you marked either a “3” or a “4.”
Self-Quiz: Do You Suffer From The Stockholm Syndrome?
Barry K. Weinhold, Ph.D.
Directions: Place a number in the blank in front of each item to indicate the degree that this statement is true for you: 1= Never, 2= Occasionally, 3= Frequently, 4= Almost Always.
___1. It is dangerous for me to let other people know my true feelings.
___2. I do as I am told at work because I might lose my job if don’t.
___3. I tend to believe what the new commentators say on television is true, because they know more than I do about these topics.
___4. Those people who are whistleblowers at work are just disgruntled employees who deserve to be fired.
___5. As an American, it is important for people to show love for country. Those who don’t should live somewhere else.
___6. When people treat me with some kindness, I want to show my appreciation by doing what they ask me to do.
___7. The world around me seems to be getting more dangerous for me.
___8. If I hear the same things from two or three of my friends, I tend to believe what they are saying is true.
___9. I really feel good when someone I know says they like the way I look.
___10. To get along with others, it is sometimes necessary to do things that you don’t really want to do.
___11. It is easier for me to tell what others need, than identify my own needs.
___12. If bad things are happening to me, my best strategy is to not focus on them and try to keep busy.
___13. There are a lot of thing that I worry about in my life.
___14. When things aren’t going well, I look to others to help make things better.
___15. No matter what I seem to do, people still seem to misunderstand what I
want or need.
___16. People close to me don’t seem to appreciate me the way I would like them to.
___17. I have found that trusting others to do the right thing is the best policy for me.
___18. I am not comfortable being alone.
___19. If I am having a bad day, I secretly hope that someone will notice and help cheer me up.
___20. When other people I am close to are in a bad mood, tend to notice it before they do.
___ Total Score
Interpretation of Scores:
20 -30 - Little or no indication of Stockholm Syndrome symptoms that could cause your reactions.
30-50 - Some indication of Stockholm Syndrome symptoms that could cause your reactions.
60 + - Considerable evidence of Stockholm Syndrome symptoms that could cause your reactions.
The presence of Stockholm Syndrome symptoms means that you have some twisted beliefs about yourself, other people and the world around you, probably due to hidden and unhealed developmental trauma. As you read this, you may begin to identify the hidden and unhealed traumas that are causing these symptoms. I will describe ways that people with Stockholm Syndrome symptoms play them out in their communication with friends, intimate partners or co-workers and how they contribute to your reactions.
Things got worse when they had their first child, named Bill. George wanted Judy to raise Bill according to his rules. For example, in the first year of Bill’s life he would cry uncontrollably probably from colic, and George would order Judy not to pick him up and try to comfort him. He would say, “Just let him cry, eventually he will stop.” Judy knew this was not good for Bill, but did not dare disobey her master. One time she did defy one of his commands and he calmly looked at her and said, “There’s the door. Either do as I say or leave.”
At one point, while her child was under two years old, after accusing her of disobeying him, George kicked her out of the house and locked the door behind her. She was forced to walk down the road to town, where she found a telephone booth and called her parents to come and get her. She stayed at their house for several days, before he called her and asked her to return. When she did, he admonished her for her disobedience and had her promise she would never do that again.
When Bill got a little older, he periodically would defy his father’s orders and suffer a severe beating as a result. Again, Judy was unable to provide any protection of her then two young boys from his brutal attacks. Later, she described herself as a “mouse wife.” Finally, after almost 20 years of feeling trapped in this relationship, she felt that she had to leave the relationship or she would die just the way her mother did. She filed for divorce and he countered by trying to get her committed to a mental institution. Fortunately, he had no basis for his claims and she was successful in obtaining a divorce from George.
Judy has moved on, remarried and now is a very successful mental health therapist. She sought therapy to help her recover from the long-term effects of having grown up in a Stockholm Syndrome family and from then recreating it in her new marriage. It is not uncommon for women or men who endured Stockholm Syndrome conditions in their adult relationships to have had similar conditions in their family of origin.