Workbook Chapter Thirty

 Create & Sustain Authentic &
intimate Relationships

 

Self-Assessment Tools:

 

Self-Quiz: The Deflated False Self

Barry K. Weinhold, PhD

 

Directions: Place a number in front of each item that best represents the degree this is present in your life. Key: 1=Almost Never; 2=Occasionally; 3=Often; 4=Almost Always.

 

 __1. I have trouble getting close to people

__ 2. I have trouble sustaining closeness in intimate relationships

__3. I view people as bad or wrong when I leave them or they leave me

__4. I have trouble feeling my feelings other than justified anger or sadness

__5. I am afraid of other people controlling me

_6. I say no to the new ideas of others

_7. I rebel against or move away from people who try to get too close to me

__8. I get anxious in close, intimate relationships

_9. I am afraid I will make a mistake

__10. I try to be perfect and expect others to be perfect

__11. I refrain from asking for help from others even when I need their help

_12. I have a strong need to be right

__13. I have developed thick layers of muscle or fat across my shoulders, chest, or abdomen that create a kind of body armor

_14. I am afraid of being consumed by the needs of others

_15. I fear that others will reject me if I show any weaknesses or fears

_16. I am bored easily and need to seek new thrill

_17. I make high demands of myself

_18. I see people as all good or all bad, depending on how they relate to me_ _19. I work long hours during the week and go into work on weekends too

_ 20. I keep very busy with hobbies, recreation, or doing something

_21. I find it difficult to relax and do nothing

__22. I have difficulty with free play or unstructured time

_23. I have fits of anger when I don’t get my way

_24. I take outrageous risks in sports or business dealings that I secretly hope will make me rich and famous

_25. I believe I am entitled to have others treat me in special ways

__Total Score

 

Interpretation: 

25-50 =Little Use of the Deflated False Self

51-75 =Moderate Use of the Deflated False Self

 76-100=Extensive Use of the Deflated False Self

 

Self-Quiz: The Inflated False Self

Barry K, Weinhold, PhD

 

Directions: Place a number in front of each item that best represents the degree this is present in your life. Key: 1=Almost Never; 2=Occasionally; 3=Often; 4=Almost Always.

 

_1. I have trouble getting close to people

__2. I have trouble sustaining closeness in intimate relationships

_3. I view people as bad or wrong when I leave them or they leave me

_4. I have trouble feeling my feelings other than justified anger or sadness

_5. I am afraid of other people controlling me

__6. I say no to the new ideas of others

_7. I rebel against or move away from people who try to get too close to me

_8. I get anxious in close, intimate relationships

_9. I am afraid I will make a mistake

_10. I try to be perfect and expect others to be perfect

_11. I refrain from asking for help from others even when I need their help

_12. I have a strong need to be right

__13. I have developed thick layers of muscle or fat across my shoulders, chest, or abdomen that create a kind of body armor

_14. I am afraid of being consumed by the needs of others

_15. I fear that others will reject me if I show any weaknesses or fears

__16. I am bored easily and need to seek new thrills

_17. I make high demands of myself

_18. I see people as all good or all bad, depending on how they relate to me

_19 I work long hours during the week and go into work on weekends too

_20. I keep very busy with hobbies, recreation, or doing something

_21. I find it difficult to relax and do nothing

_22. I have difficulty with free play or unstructured time

_23. I have fits of anger when I don’t get my way

_24. I take outrageous risks in sports or business deals that I secretly hope will make me rich and famous

_25. I believe I am entitled to have others treat me in special ways

__Total Score

 

Interpretation

25-50 = Little Use of the Inflated False Self

51-75 = Moderate Use of the Inflated False Self 

76-100= Extensive Use of the Inflated False Self

 

Self-Inventory: Identifying Your Barriers to Creating 

An Authentic Relationship

Barry K. Weinhold, PhD

 

This self-inventory can help you identify intrapersonal and interpersonal barriers to the creation of an authentic relationship. Please read each statement below and indicate the degree to which the statement is true of you in your primary relationship. Place a number from 1 to 10 (1 = not present at all; 10 = present all the time) indicating your choice in the blank before each statement. 

 

__1. I have very little time, money, or energy left to improve my relationship.

__2. Work and career concerns tend to come before plans to improve my relationship.

__3. I do not have enough time or energy left at the end of the day to enjoy sex.

__4. I get more excited about my work than about my relationship.

__5. I have trouble getting out of work on time.

__6. I have to work more than 40 hours per week to get my job done.

__7. I bring work home at night or on weekends.

__8. I think about work while I am driving, before falling asleep at night, and/or when others are talking about some other topic.

__9. I believe that making more money will solve the other problems I have.

__10. I feel a kind of free-floating anxiety when I have nothing to do.

__11. I get anxious when my partner wants to be intimate with me.

__12. I don't like to ask other people for help, even if I need it.

__13. I find my partner's needs overwhelming.

__14. I feel smothered by my partner when we are close and intimate.

__15. I think that other people are having more satisfying relationships than I have.

__16. I prefer to work alone on a project rather than with others.

__17. I am afraid if people find out who I really am, they will reject me.

__18. I find it difficult to have a close relationship and still maintain my personal freedom.

__19. I feel I give more than I get from my relationship.

__20. I feel like I have to do and say the right things to make my partner happy.

__21. I find it is easier to try to avoid a conflict than to talk about it.

__22. I fear that in the end, I will be abandoned by my partner.

__23. I have difficulty taking care of my own needs while also meeting the needs of my partner.

__24. I let my partner take the lead in making changes in our relationship.

__25. I feel like I'm to blame if there are problems in our relationship.

__26. I use sex to try to smooth over arguments with my partner.

__27. Making changes in my relationship takes too much time and energy.

__28. I don't seem to know what I want to change about myself.

__29. I have trouble doing something new because I am afraid I will fail.

__30. I am afraid to really be myself when I am making love.

____ Total Score (Add the numbers in the left column.)

 

Scoring and Interpretation:

30 - 90 - A few barriers to overcome in creating an authentic  relationship.

91-180 - Many barriers still exist to overcome that may require lots of  work and cooperation. Therapeutic intervention may be     useful.

181-300 - An authentic relationship may not be possible without  therapeutic interventions.

 

Case Example: 

 

Hazel married Steven under a cloud. Steven arranged with his attorney to deliver a Pre-Nuptual Agreement to Hazel the night before their wedding. It totally protected Steven, if the couple would ever divorce. The attorney told Hazel that if she did not sign it, the wedding was off. She ended up signing it, and in the process signed away all her spousal rights. This was the beginning of a Stockholm Syndrome marriage. 

 

Hazel came to me for counseling after she endured almost twenty years of marital servitude. At first, Seven agreed to come to therapy with Hazel so I worked with both of them, She was threatening to leave and Steven wanted to protect his property, The Pre-Nuptual Agreement had run out after 10 years, but he was able to keep her captive since then with promises to change, which he always found a way out of keeping them. 

 

According to Hazel, she mostly stayed in the marriage to raise their two children, who were now almost 18 and looking to soon leave for college. Now she had some strong second thoughts about staying with Steven after the children leave. 

 

I have a self-assessment inventory designed to determine whether or not their relationship would qualify as a Stockholm Syndrome relationship. I asked Hazel to take the Inventory and she passed with flying colors. 

 

I decided that I would only make progress if I could work with each of them separately. I was very hard on Steven and yet he always managed not to follow-through with the changes he agreed to. 

 

In my work with him, he agreed to make two big changes that Hazel insisted he make. He agreed to, but didn’t keep them. They were not to approach Hazel sexually unless she requested sex with him. He had constantly violated her sexual boundaries in a way that bordered on attempted rape. 

 

The other was to find an office outside the home. With him doing business at home, mostly over the phone, he kept the household under his control and prevented it from being a normal family-centered household. Hazel objected strongly to this intrusion into what she regarded as her space.

 

My work with Hazel was to help her get strong enough to enforce her boundaries with Steven and to not fall for his false promises anymore. She did seem to get strong enough to enforce her sexual boundaries with Steven, which he constantly challenged and tried to make her the problem 

 

Finally, one evening in a session with Steven, he finally was able to be completely honest with me. He said, “Actually, I have no intention of changing anything in my life. I am pretty happy with who I am. I am proud to say, I am the same person Hazel married 20 years ago and I don’t see any need to change anything about me.” 

 

After his honesty, I terminated my sessions with Steven and continued to work with Hazel. They own two houses and so they are currently living separately. Hazel is deathly afraid to be alone and has arranged a female friend to stay with her. Steven likely is also as afraid to be alone and has arranged for a buddy to stay with him. 

 

Hazel does not want to go through a contested divorce, so she has agreed, with the help of an attorney, to draw up a Post Nuptual Agreement. She now is strong enough to call the shots and put into this legal agreement everything she likely would get in a divorce settlement. 

 

Hazel is getting stronger and is working hard on the unfinished childhood issues she has with her father, who was much like Steven. I am helping her recover a Self that can operate separate from the controls of Steven. I think she will make it.