Workbook Chapter Fifteen

Learn Patience

 

Self-Assessment Tools:

 

Time-In Techniques That Work

Barry K. Weinhold, PhD

 

No Time-Limit Time-In Ages 2-4 

 

Works best for:

 

Children who demonstrate some degree of self-discipline and emotional self-regulation. This teaches children self-control rather than needing adults to serve as “policemen.”

 

Adapted from: Charlotte Petersen, child psychologist in Eugene, Oregon

 

How to do it:

 

1. Create a place where children can sit in a neutral

environment that is either on or by you. There should

be no toys or other things to play with.

2. When a child behaves in an unacceptable way

(throwing toys around in anger), clearly state what you

want him to do. (“I want you to pick up all these toys

now.”) and give one warning: (“If you choose not to pick

them up, it will tell me that you need to sit by me in the

time-in seat.”

3. Once the child is seated in the time-in seat, say “You

need to sit here by me until you are quiet and ready to...”

4. Surround the child with “quiet energy” and attune

with their energy.

5. Allow the child to know when they are ready to get

up. Observe their behavior after this to make sure that

they are re-regulated. If not, kindly repeat this process

until they are ready.

 

Dos and Do Not’s:

 

1. With this form of time-in, never say to the child,

“Okay, you can get up now.”

2. Allow the child a period of time to sit quietly.

3. If the child leaves the seat, simply ask “Are you quiet

and ready to...?”

4. If the child says “no,” then say, “Oops. You aren’t allowed

to get up until you are quiet and ready to...You

can get up whenever you are ready to.”

 

Creative Play Cooling Off Time-in 3-6-year olds. 

Works best for: For children and adult caregivers who need time to cool

off following rowdy, disruptive behavior.

 

Adapted from: Evonne Weinhaus, family counselor in St. Louis and

mother of three.

 

How to do it:

1. When a child misbehaves, say, “I can see that you are

out of control. Please come and sit by me so that I can

help you can get quiet.”

2. Let her decide how long she needs to become quiet or

 

How to do it: (cont.)

3. If the adult is the one who is out of control, say “I am

getting out of control and I need a time-in. I am going

to sit quietly with myself until I can get quiet. I don’t

want to say something that I don’t mean and hurt someone.

I will talk to you again after I get myself quiet.” This

kind of modeling is perhaps the most important tool for

teaching emotional self-regulation.

 

Dos and Do Nots:

1. When the time-in is over, avoid a big dramatic

scene involving joyful embraces and hugs. This can be

perceived as a “payoff,” or reward for misbehaving and

getting attention.

2. This normalizes the process of emotional self-regulation.

 

Case Example 

 

Bob’s mother had postpartum depression just after his birth. His older siblings and the mother’s sisters helped care for him during her convalescence. Bob’s mother was never able to meet many of his emotional needs, and he described his most common feeling as feeling “lost.” He developed anxious behaviors when his older siblings began to leave home to attend college, and he suffered a major episode of post-traumatic stress at the age of 12 when his dog died. 

At some point, Bob decided that his birth trauma was the cause of his mother’s inability to connect with him and began to expect to be abandoned by someone close to him. He developed a strong sense of self-blaming related to his abandonment experiences that left him with lowered self-esteem. As an adult, Bob found himself drawn to women who symbolically represented mother figures and who suddenly left him. 

 

When his wife decided to enroll in graduate school, it created an intense conflict inside Bob and he fell into a depression that he could not shake. It created a serious conflict that threatened to end the relationship. He finally sought therapy with the hope of getting support to convince his wife to reverse her decision about beginning graduate school. Through his therapy, Bob came to see that his over-reaction to his wife’s decision to go to graduate school was connected to an early abandonment he experienced with his mother in the first year of his life (you are never upset for the reason you think you are).  Bob was finally able resolve his conflict, and was able to accept his wife’s decision and to support her emotionally and financially in this decision.